A written meditation for nurturing true dreams
When I was small, I was obsessed with unicorns. I read and wrote stories about them. I collected stuffed animals, candles, statues, I even painted a huge unicorn on the wall of my bedroom. There was something about them so pure, so mystical, a taste of the other. They were magical, and I desperately wanted magic in my life.
My first novel was about unicorns. I wrote it when I was sixteen. It was a coming-of-age story for a young unicorn named Shard looking for his true identity. I don’t remember much about it, except that my English teacher was kind enough to read it and give me feedback (it was handwritten and in a binder), and she encouraged me to keep writing long enough to find my own voice.
As I grew older, I quietly left unicorns behind. I no longer collected them, displayed them; it was like I was entering adulthood by leaving magic and wonder behind. This world, the real world, was not a place of magic or wonder — it was a place of roles, responsibilities, and dues to be paid.
I was firmly in my forties when unicorns re-entered my life. Because I had finally learned, through many difficult and amazing experiences, that magic was real, the world was a place of wonder, and nothing real can be threatened, because if it is real, it will remain.
My last piece on Medium was about slaying my dreams regarding partnership. I have found myself questioning the dreams that I have for my life, many of which were given to me by my parents, my former Mormon community, and my role as a woman in this world. It has been a truly liberating experience to question these dreams, to see if they are real for me. Coming out as lesbian, leaving the Mormon church (and my ex-husband), and choosing a life based on my own truth has led me to experience contentment that I’d never known could exist.
For four years now (since the pandemic began), I’ve been actively working on nurturing a positive and loving relationship with myself. I’ve written love notes to myself every day during my journaling. I’ve embraced myself in all my quirkiness. I shower myself in non-judgment and radical acceptance. I know myself better than I ever have, and I celebrate this knowing every day of my life. I am patient and kind with myself when I fall into a funk, when I struggle with drinking alcohol and eating healthy food, when I fall into old coping mechanisms (like binging Netflix or playing my farming rpg game for hours).
And this self-love is what gives me the courage to question and even release old dreams. I let them fall by the wayside and I walk away, because I’ve learned this simple and universal truth: nothing real can be threatened, if it is real, it will remain.
Also since the pandemic, I have been actively studying both Richard Rudd’s Gene Keys, and the Tao Te Ching (I Ching). Nearly 1500 days of gentle contemplation has led me to deeply revere the wonder of Life itself. I love how nature celebrates diversity, how dandelion seeds are carried on the wind, how decaying logs provide sustenance for new life, how storms release pressure and energy.
When it is winter, a thousand seeds under the ground dream of spring.
Spring never fails at her task.
Spring is real, and will remain.
We humans may think ourselves the lords of all creation (in my opinion, we are not), but we are simply mammals with consciousness and awareness. We belong WITHIN the community of natural life. And among us humans, there is unlimited diversity — you are the only you that has ever existed, and only you know how to be fearlessly yourself.
So take a moment for a thought experiment or guided meditation, please.
Imagine you are whole, complete, and perfect, just as you are, right now, in this very moment. There is nothing to change. There is nothing to fix. Your problems are portals to greater growth and evolution, so in that way, they are not problems at all.
You love yourself. You celebrate yourself. You recognize yourself as a divine being, connected, through consciousness, to the universe itself (and to every other being on our world, including animals, plants, and minerals). You are the gift you’ve been waiting for.
Through your love of self (or your willingness to believe that you can love yourself and you’re worthy of love), you connect to the Source of all potentiality, the aether that holds immense power of creation. It is like a cord that runs through your loving heart and into this pool of creation.
Take the dream you are questioning, and give it to this pool. Let it sink under the waters. Release it completely, it no longer belongs to you. Go on with your life for a time, untethered from this dream. Imagine what it is like.
You are allowed to mourn the dream. There is a sense of loss, of separation. It is, or can be, painful. This is natural. The dream has been part of you for a long time, even if you didn’t choose it for yourself. What you release with the dream is all the potential futures that could have been. You are permitted to grieve for these futures.
There is space here, now. A sacred space. You will be nourished while you wait.
And, in time, Mother Earth’s time (which is not human time), a dream will resurface from the pool, and you may take it as your own. It may be the very dream that you released, but now it is yours, it is connected through your heart (and your DNA, your gifts, your past, everything that you are) to the Source of all Potential, and now it is firm, it is real, it cannot be threatened, it will remain. It may be a new dream, which has germinated and taken root in the space you created.
It is yours. You have some responsibility now, to nurture and grow this dream, but do not fret. There is no worry here, no anxiety — how could there be? All things are unfolding exactly as they should. There is no pressure to perform, to do, to have — all that is required is your willing heart, your devotion. The Source will provide the rest.
I know the pain of broken dreams, the loss and separation that can occur. It is real, provide yourself with plenty of care while you go through this process. But I truly believe that the Universe, Source, God, or whatever name you choose for this beautiful eternal energy, will provide you with all the hope you need to pass over this abyss. There are rewards on the other side, I also know this well.
I wish you a beautiful journey, dreamer.
