And I accepted the lesson, even though more dreams had to die (leaving space for new ones to be born)
The above is a picture of a starling murmuration in Brighton, UK. A murmuration (I’m an English teacher, but I didn’t know this word) is when birds (often starlings) collectively fly and change direction together, creating startling patterns (ha! starling patterns?) in the sky. It’s hypnotic, and, although scientists study it, still a bit of a mystery. How do they decide en masse like this, where to go, how to fly??
I came to Brighton in early December 2024 with a big dream in my heart. Following the completion of a death doula course from INELDA (International End of Life Doula Association), I had determined that I should move to the UK from my home in Prague, Czechia, in order to speak more English again and there take up my newly chosen career as an end of life companion and doula.
I had a whole list of criteria to be fulfilled:
- I wanted to live by the sea (it’s been my dream to live by the sea for YEARS)
- I wanted to live in one of sunniest places of the UK (Brighton is… ahem… brighter than other places, excuse the pun)
- I wanted to live in a community where I could live my full gay self and be surrounded by queer people
- I wanted to live in a place that had a shared housing program, where I could live with an older woman who needed companionship and support (otherwise the UK would be too expensive for me)
- And I wanted to speak English again. (Yes, even British English.)
I came to Brighton in full faith that Life (Universe/God/Source) would show me the truth of my decision to move, despite all the obstacles that would have to be overcome (mainly financial — the visa is NOT cheap).
After all, it was my dream, something I wanted, and I have been conditioned since birth to go for my dreams, and work for what I want.
Western culture/capitalism/the American dream constantly shouts this at us; it’s the message of countless self-help books, modern gurus, and Hollywood — the ‘pull yourself up by your bootstraps’ kind of mentality, of ‘go big or go home’, and ‘with hard work and determination, success is inevitable’.
I have had a complicated relationship with dreams ever since embarking on a more spiritual path through life. I remember Jeff Goldblum’s character in Jurassic Park, talking about the creation of dinosaurs through genetic engineering — “Yeah, but your scientists were so preoccupied with whether or not they could that they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
I can be ambitious. Stubborn. Headstrong. Impulsive. Oh god, impulsive! It’s taken years of meditation and mindfulness to imbue these sharp characteristics of mine with some softness and gentleness. To hone and strengthen my connection with my intuition, and to trust in divine timing and Life itself. (By the way, what I call Life you may call God/the Universe/Source/Allah/Great Spirit, it goes by many names).
Remember that list of wants from above? These really are things that I want, that I dream of. I wanted to have them. But my life in Prague has taught me to align myself to even greater plans and processes than I can imagine, to trust that Life will guide me to what is prepared for me. So, while I give myself complete and unbridled freedom to dream and wish for whatever I want, I know I have to contact my intuition to see if it’s actually right for me.
That’s where the technique of embodied decision making helps immensely.
(If you’re interested in the mechanics of it, I’ll give you a few pointers, and then you’ll have to Google elsewhere. I can only tell you my lived experience. I have spent years honing my intuition and my level of trust in Life. Through daily reflective journaling, tarot card reading, i ching divination, and meditation, I’m more able to feel aligned to the natural rhythms and processes of Life.)
The gist of it is this: instead of making lists of pros and cons when a big decision is looming, I simply make the decision, and allow my body to give me feedback, to help me determine if it is an aligned path for me. (Notice I am not using ‘good path’ or ‘right path’ because these are words that just highlight duality and judgment — we need to remember that what is good or right for one person will be bad and wrong for another.)
Here is what embodied decision making feels like for me:
Aligned decisions feel like sunshine, like warmth, like peach fuzz, like there is a smile in my heart. Even big and difficult decisions, if they are aligned, feel golden, chocolate, light, and peaceful. There is joy, even amidst the chaos. This does not mean taking the easy way out. Aligned decisions can have this golden feeling but still be hella uncomfortable.
Misaligned decisions feel cloudy, heavy, and thick. There is fog, interference, static. Confusion grows, along with second-guessing. This shadow clings to the decision until the decision is reversed or something drastic happens. (For tarot practitioners, these are Tower moments, to be followed by a new Star.)
(And then, with many small choices, you don’t have to feel anything, because Life/the Universe trusts you to just do something without waiting for a sign. It’s not like I wait for my intuition to tell me whether to take a bus or a tram to my destination.)
Knowing all this about myself, my impulsiveness, my dedication to Life and to my dreams, I went to Brighton. I had made my decision, set my course, and I knew I would get the confirmation I needed from my body. I’ll be honest, I fully expected that the answer would be yes, go for it!
And boy oh boy. The answer was…
No.
I was staying with a friend who lives there (another plus on the plus side, yes?) and we went to the Brighton Drag Pageant, and I was surrounded by English language and queer people and our allies, and light and sound and diversity and inclusion and colour and oh — I felt simultaneously amazed and overwhelmed.
The following day, while my friend worked, I went into the city to get to know it better. I walked along the heaving, grey sea while light rain pelted me with doubts. And I felt heavy. Tired. Lethargic. Overwhelmed. Small setbacks constantly beset me. I attributed it to the famously poor British weather, and retreated back to the comfort of her flat to nurse my headache and my hopes. My initial impression began to turn sour.
My last day in Brighton, the weather turned gorgeous. Again, I turned towards the sea, now enjoying the bright sunshine, the crisp air, the smiling friendly people around me. And my body kept dragging. I developed another headache, and a stomachache. I felt like crying.
I knew. I knew the answer but didn’t want to admit it, so I was prolonging my agony.
Desperate, I sat down on a bench to look at the sea, the sea I’d wanted for so long, and I let the question well up inside me. Is this the place for me?
And a voice came to my heart, as clear as if someone spoke next to me, and the vision from the picture below, of Obi-Wan Kenobi performing a Jedi mind trick on simple stormtroopers.
The explanation was: “This is not the sea you’re looking for.”
So what now? I cried out in the quiet of my mind.
Go home. Go home to Prague. There is another sea waiting for you.
Just like that, it was over. I can be rebellious and disobedient, but I know when to challenge myself and when to submit. I told myself, “Okay. I’ll go home. I’ll go home to Prague and things will become clear.”
I landed in Prague the next day (it also happened to be my birthday). The minute the plane landed and taxied to the airport, I felt it. The calm sense of homecoming, the relief, the perfect sense of arrival.
As Franz Kafka himself had learned a long time ago, “Prague never lets you go… this dear little mother has sharp claws.” Prague wouldn’t let me go, either. Not until I aligned myself with the true dream that was waiting there for me, a dream that has been waiting for me since I was a small girl.
No more faffing about, shilly-shallying, and hesitating.
It’s time to write.
What am I working on? A trilogy titled “The Endless Sea”.
I’ve been working on this project for ten years, drawing closer and closer to the aligned majestic beauty of it. Why ten years? Shiny object syndrome, among other things, I suppose. I have many interests that pull me in different directions.
The sea I’m looking for? It’s clear to me now, finally.
It’s The Endless Sea.
Have you ever gone to a restaurant and not been able to decide what to order? So you flip a coin and the minute you see heads you know it’s tails you want? How do you know it? You feel it, in your body, in your gut.
Here are the basics of embodied decision making, as taught to me by Life itself:
- Reduce the decisions down to two (if there are more than two options, you won’t decide anything, you’ll just stay paralyzed, watch this short by Simon Sinek as to why.) My decision was: move to the UK or stay in Prague?
- Make the decision. Really make it. Start moving towards it. I did research, found the right visa, a housing program, and even visited Brighton.
- Feel the feedback. As mentioned above, aligned decisions feel golden sunshiny, misaligned decisions feel grey and cloudy.
- Be prepared to accept it. (The future is an unknown city, right, you’re bound to wander down a dead-end road or two and need to just turn right back around and get out. If you don’t, you’ll just smack yourself against something pretty hard.)
- Take the other option. Hey, if that feels cloudy, too, it means you’ve missed something. Get quiet and reflective and find out what you missed. Be patient. It takes time. Not human time. Tree time.
Welcome to a life of alignment, where all that is meant for you comes to you, because you are shining your sunshiny golden light everywhere you go, touching the lives of so many people who live in fog and cloud.
Has life taught you this already? What else have you learned about making aligned decisions? How in touch are you with your body, and receiving feedback from this marvellously adept sensing organism? Please share in the comments!
And stay tuned for future articles about what is coming next for me — I am surprised and humbled by the new dreams that had been patiently waiting. (A teaser for you — now that I’m dedicated to staying in Prague, I am fostering a cat! Oh, I’ve wanted a pet for so long!)
What is real cannot be threatened. If it is real, it will remain. Nothing that is meant for you will pass you by. Submit yourself to nature (aka your body) and nature’s timing. Trust that all is unfolding exactly as is needful. Watch your life blossom under the golden rays of your own personal sun.
