If you’ve read my most recent story (here), you’ll remember how I’ve been feeling especially powerful lately. For a bit of context, my name is Jen, I’m a Canadian living in Prague, I’m a freelance English teacher and teacher trainer, and I’m passionate about teaching with an open heartset of acceptance, non-judgment and trust.
I left a recent EFL (English as a Foreign Language) festival in Brno feeling pumped, excited, on fire with potential and ideas. And, just like I usually do, I followed my ideas without reservation, committing to them instantly and deeply. I created a new website and published it within two weeks (whew, right?). I finalised a presentation for an upcoming Language Coaching Conference in Budapest. I went to Budapest and had a kick-ass presentation and workshop. Came home utterly exhausted but eager to see the fruit of my labours.
And immediately plunged into the pit of despair.
Melodramatic, yes? Well, that’s how I felt.
For the next two weeks I cried almost daily. Sadness made me heavy, lethargic. I was a professional in my lessons (though my clients knew that something was wrong), but the rest of my hours were filled with a heavy sadness that seemed to consume every part of me. However, armed with years of meditation and contemplation, I knew how to deal with this funk, so I tried to pass through it cleanly, knowing that it was there to teach me something.
Emotions, as Susan David points out in her amazing TED talk on emotional courage, are data. They provide information. This sadness was uncomfortable as hell, but “Discomfort is the price of admission to a meaningful life.” (Susan David, in her TED talk.) I was willing to wait.
And I was listening.
It’s not easy to lean in, to accept, to listen. I numbed myself with weed, with alcohol, just to cope a bit. But I kept listening. I knew I would pass through it, that the sadness was showing me that I was missing something in my life. But what??
Listening to the heart is a delicate process. It requires a few foundational truths and attitudes.
Firstly, your heart is not the centre of your emotions. Your emotions, as far as I understand them, come from parts of the brain, and then are felt in the body. That’s how emotions provide information, but not directives. What is your heart, then?
Your heart is a mystical place of love and connection with the divine.
When you listen to your heart, you are listening to what is divine, and it’s already inside you.
Secondly, in order to listen to your heart, you have to allow space for your feelings. But this is a meditative space, a noticing space, not an “identifying with” space. This means listening to your body — emotions are felt. Be very aware of your body, especially your gut. (I found I couldn’t eat much during this period of time, so I ate less, listening to my body.)
Lastly, you must be willing to suspend your own plans, your own beliefs, your own mental structures and patterns to be open to hearing what the divine in you is saying.
“A life that is planned is a closed life, my friend. It can be endured, but it cannot be lived.” — Robert Donat, playing the role of a Chinese Mandarin in The Inn of the Sixth Happiness, 1958.
This is surrender. Letting go in order to create space to receive something new. If your bucket is full already, with beliefs and ideas and plans and dogma, then how will the heart fill you with what has already been prepared for you?
With these attitudes and beliefs in place, you are more capable of listening to your heart (the divine in you that is always connected to the germinating and creative power of Life and the Universe).
And now? Listen.
I listened to my heart. I felt my sadness. It was difficult. All these momentous changes were happening inside me (because I allowed it), but on the outside, nothing had changed. I lived my life, taught my lessons, went for walks with my friends. Inside, seismic shifts.
Because I was listening so gently, answers started to appear.
- I hate capitalism. I only participate in it to the extent that I must. Yet here I was, barreling down the capitalist road, with making products and marketing them and selling them. Yes, in a spirit of service to the collective. Yes, with integrity and dignity. But still…
- I hate all proselyting and evangelizing and energy that goes into convincing people. I did all that, eons ago when I was still a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormon) and was a missionary. But now (and then, let’s be honest), it is/was completely against my character. (I’d rather do this, openly share my story and let Life take care of the rest.) Yet here I was, telling people how to teach my way with The Plant Method. I was always careful to say that it’s just a guideline, and others could adapt it to their needs. But still…
- I hate hustling. Hustle culture, getting things done, is nonsense to me and I know it. Here’s the thing. I started my business more than two years ago. I’ve invested my own money, gone to conferences, bought and wore my own merch, shared my method with every teacher I met, built my website, a newsletter, took marketing courses, learned about conversions and lead funnels, everything. With very little reward or success. Every time I tried to pivot, I was met with resistance. I carried on. Even though, deep down, I knew I didn’t want it and I was forcing it.
- I expected resistance. Even the I Ching (number 3) is called Difficulty at the Beginning. All new things are hard, because there is so much to learn, to adjust to. I wasn’t going to quit right away. But after a few years? A tipping point came in the timely release of an article from Susan David — When to Grit and When to Quit (I highly recommend it.) When I read it, I realised that my business aspirations weren’t at all in accordance with my values. (Thank you so much, Susan!)
- The Prague life cycle was already complete, and I knew it. In order for that to make sense, I need to tell you that my life runs in cycles of seven to eight years. That’s how long I was with my ex-husband (before getting a divorce and coming out as lesbian). Then I had an eight year stint of working for a funding agency in Alberta (where a colleague and I created GeekStarter, another ‘baby’ I had to give up when the job collapsed). I have now been in Prague, teaching English for just over eight years.
- I already knew where I wanted to go next. To the seaside, to be a death doula. So why was I investing time, money, and energy into trying to be a successful and influential EFL teacher trainer and businesswoman? It didn’t make sense.
- I had sacrificed my writing, again. Every time I steer away from my true north, my inner guiding star, my writing suffers. Makes sense, as I only have so much energy (time I have, energy I do not). My current project, The Endless Sea, went onto the backburner. Again. The greatest, longest, deepest dream of my life and my own personal zone of genius, set aside. Wow.
In a moment of absolute trust, I surrendered my plans, my dreams, my hopes for The Plant Method as a business. Even coaching other teachers as a business. I let it all go, and abandoned the path I had been walking.
And immediately felt my heavy heart become lighter. Creative power returned, as did peace, stillness, and bliss.
I know which course to take now, on this endless sea that is life. How do I know? My heart told me.
I get it.
You want a sign before you make a decision. You want to know what is right or what is wrong. But, for me at least, I have to commit first, and start down the path, and my heart will tell me if course corrections need to be made.
It’s all learning. It’s all feedback. There is no failure here.
Life craves experience. The life flowing through us wants to live. Free from boundaries, limitations, and restrictions. Yet so many of us are afraid to act, afraid to live, afraid to fail. Afraid of looking foolish, afraid of being wrong. Asking ‘what if’? What if I stayed? What if I powered through?
This fear can be dissolved through love. Through listening to the heart. Trusting that the heart is the source of our connection with the divine, which is another expression of unconditional love. Trusting that the heart will lead us to our true natures, and then our true natures can be unleashed to contribute to the collective, to feel the oneness that connects all of Life’s creatures.
The beautiful thing is that listening to the heart and following it creates a virtuous cycle. The more often you do it, and trust in the process, you receive confirmation that you are on the path meant for you. Feelings of stillness and peace arise like a calm lake within you. It gives you the courage to do it again, just as I did at the age of 31 when I came out, and at the age of 39 when I came to Prague. My life has been enriched and filled with purpose since I began to listen to my heart and trust it’s guidance system above all other systems on this planet.
What now? Let’s see. I shut down my website three days ago. I’ll give my last teacher training in July 2024. I’ll continue to teach my lessons and save all the money I can in order to fund my death doula training in the UK.
The sea has been calling me for at least five years. It’s time for me to answer that call.
If you’ve enjoyed my story and want to follow along, please subscribe to receive updates from me. I’ll keep you posted.
And in the comments, please share your moments of deep listening to your heart. How deeply do you allow your heart to guide you? What was the result? If you’re scared, I’m here for you. Let’s do this together.
In love and trust, — Jen
