The “Let Them” Theory strengthened my clarity and compassion
It’s radical acceptance, Stoicism, and heaps of self-love in a beautifully simple package
I was skeptical at first.
I mean, I’ve read almost every self-help and personal development book out there. Besides, I get my lessons from life anyway, and from my rigorous journaling practice. But after an English learner of mine brought Mel Robbins and this book to my attention, my curiosity got the better of me. So I spent $17 on a digital version from Amazon and dove right in.
That was among the best money I’ve ever spent.
The “Let Them” theory is brilliant in its simplicity, and Mel brings it to many of life’s most perplexing situations in raw, honest, and vulnerable story-telling that left me in awe of her bravery. It’s backed by tons of research with some of the foremost scientists of our time, from my beloved Brene Brown to narcissist expert Dr. Ramani Durvasula to the Stoic philosopher Seneca.
It boils down to this: Let adults be adults. Let you be you.
While this advice is simple, it’s far from easy, so let’s break it down (and remember, adults means people whose brains have matured, which is 25 years and up — this theory is intended for adults and not for children, though Mel includes a guide for using it with kids).
Life is inherently unpredictable. Make peace with it.
Most of us don’t trust the natural rhythms of life, so we try to force situations and control them to suit our needs. This need for control comes from fear. Fear of being left out, not liked, things falling apart if we’re not there to manage them. It’s an illusion of safety.
The advice here is: Let Them have their own lives; allow others to have their dreams, their opinions, their beliefs without needing to manage or influence them. So much energy is lost by trying to manage or control the people around us. Let Them be them. And you can reclaim that wasted power for yourself, for stepping into the beauty and adventure of your life.
You can’t please everyone. Let Them be upset.
From a recovering people-pleaser, this hits home. I remember getting vitriol in the comment section of one of my fan-fiction stories and their criticism had the power to silence my story for several months. In fact, the fear of hate speech and criticism is one of the reasons I’m hesitant to publish my novels. But Mel reassures me that people are allowed their opinions, good or bad. Let Them hate. Let Me find the courage to keep writing. (I’ve released the need to be liked.)
Another example from my own life is the fallout from when I left the rigid, dogmatic, oppressive religion of my family (The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, also known as Mormons). My decision to embrace my sexual orientation (I’m queer) led me to leave the church. My family was incredibly upset. Devastated. They still dream of me returning (I never will, as it’s a corporation started by a con-man who hoodwinked generations into thinking that there was only one path to heaven through things like giving up 10% of your income for life and giving up coffee, too). They will be upset about what I just wrote, just as they were angry and upset when I first left. I will Let Them. Let Me respond to their comments and fears for my immortal soul with kindness and compassion, all while standing my ground.
Helping others takes away their agency. Stop it.
This can rub people the wrong way. Shouldn’t we try to help others who are struggling? Isn’t it our purpose in life to help our fellow man? A lot of what we call help isn’t actually helpful. More like enabling. Mel tackles this fraught topic with compassion and common sense. Her views match mine precisely, as I’ve recently decided to stop helping people. My helping others in the past, especially past girlfriends who seemed incapable of living their lives without help, led to resentment as I was taken advantage of, again and again. I gave away my power and set aside my dreams. But not anymore.
Adults have all the power and resources within themselves to succeed in life. Their struggling is what creates the power to break through whatever crisis is ahead. My favourite metaphor is that of the butterfly: if it is “helped” free of its chrysalis, it emerges too weak to fly. The struggle to exit is what creates the mechanisms for flight.
True courage is found in supporting others in their struggle, not by helping them out of it. Watch them struggle. Trust in their ability to react to all of life’s challenges. And trust in Life itself for sending them exactly what they need for their own growth and evolution at this time. Resilience is like a muscle, it must be be used in order to become strong. Too much help (or advice) creates atrophy. Let Them struggle. Let Me find the courage to support them in that struggle.
People’s behaviour tells the truth about how they feel about you.
And not everyone is going to like you (as we discussed earlier). Let Them not like you. Let them show you how they feel about you by how they behave towards you. If you are chasing romance (something I did quite often in the past but I don’t do anymore), this is hard. I saw the potential inside a girl and I dated the potential, not the girl herself. And when she did things I didn’t understand, such as giving me the cold shoulder for days, or teasing me relentlessly to the point of tears, I kept wanting the romance and I stayed far longer than I should have. Her behaviour was obvious, it told the truth about her feelings. I just didn’t want to see it.
Let Me be the love affair of my life. Let Me be my best partner, my soul mate. Let Me provide myself with compassion, self-care, and kindness. Let Me pursue my own dreams with all the quirkiness of my nature. Let Me surround myself with people who support me and love me and show me that love and support with their behaviour. Let Me never accept less than I deserve or dream of. And Let Me believe that the truest love of my life will find me, all within the perfect timing and rhythm of life itself.
These are just a few of the insights I gleaned from this book, a book I will read again and again. Such simple teachings, yet so profound. I feel enormously grateful to Mel Robbins for writing it, and also grateful that I worked through my own skepticism enough to read it with an open heart.
How can you work with the “Let Them” theory in your own life? If you’ve read the book, I’d love to hear your thoughts.
I’m not using a paywall anymore. I hope you enjoyed this, and I invite you to read a few other pieces of mine that I’m proud of:
